January 2020 - A Series Of Unfortunate Events

January has been the longest year but dang guys we survived it. Haha!

I saw something along those lines on Facebook and felt it deep in my bones. January wasn't very good to me if I’m being honest. Once the hopeful expectations of the New Year started to wear off I was left with the reality of it just being another month.

As I’ve mentioned before, my word for the year is JOY; which is super ironic considering the first 30 days of my 2020 have been anything BUT joyful. 

Things have been a little bit dark for me lately. Through a series of events, I ended up quitting my job. Long story. It was not planned at all but after some discussions/revelations I felt peaceful with my decision to move on. That peace did not last very long. 

The following week I had an audition. I was approached by a casting agency a few months back asking if I would like to be a part of an “invite only” audition for a televised singing competition. I have seen multiple friends and fellow artists make it on this show. I had auditioned once before and didn’t make it. I thought, “Why not? I’ll try it again.” Since I had just quit my job I thought maybe it had all worked out for a reason.

Nope. I didn’t make it. 

Friendly announcement, please do not tell me I should audition for The Voice, American Idol, or America’s Got Talent. And if I tell you I have auditioned already and didn’t make it, please don’t respond with - “Well, you should give it another try!”

I told myself I would not get my hopes up, but the reality was my hopes were so high they could’ve been on the moon. I managed to smile and thank them, walk past all the other people waiting outside to audition while keeping a neutral facial expression, talk to the guy checking I.D.’s  at the front door with a light tone of voice before I got to my car and cried my eyes out. 

Everything was fine. I would move on. I would work harder. I would throw all my new found free time into working on music and focusing on my music video release.

I have been planning this music video since August. We filmed it in November. I went through several editing drafts before I finally had one that was perfect. Of course the same week all of these other unfortunate events happened, I get a call about a problem with my video. Something that needs to be fixed. I had already uploaded what I thought was the final cut to my YouTube. I had already announced a date. I had already asked everyone to turn on their notifications for the Premiere. For anyone who’s not in music, planning a release of any kind is hard work. Whether it’s a single, EP, full length album, music video, or announcement you have to carefully plan and strategize promotion/marketing. I have pretty much done all of it myself for last 5 or 6 years. It’s a lot. I have had things over the years that I have planned and planned and planned for that always somehow miss the mark by a centimeter. Have some of you ever felt like that? I’m sure it’s not just with music.

On top of all that, Caroline - my boston terrier, had some health issues over the last two weeks. She had one of her regular flare ups with pancreatitis but while I was dealing with that she had a bit of an emergency situation where I had to literally run her to the vet. There were lots of embarrassing tears shed in the vet’s office. X-rays were taken and they found some things to be concerned about. Needless to say, I have been wrecked with worry over my furbaby. The vet bill definitely added to the load as well…

I have this bad habit of telling myself it could be worse and then feeling super guilty for being upset. It just makes me feel worse. I know there are people dealing with bigger issues right know. I know some of these things may seem small to some people; but when you live alone, don’t have a steady job, don’t have a significant other to lean on for any of the stressful situations, and literally every little thing that could go wrong does in fact go wrong, it leaves you feeling a bit like a loser. I had a couple days where I didn’t even leave my apartment. If I didn’t have family and friends call me every day, I probably wouldn’t have talked to a soul during those couple of days.

The last few weeks I’ve been praying for direction. I have wondered what the point of any of this was. I have tried to figure out the best place to start pulling myself up by the boot straps, suck it up, and continue working. Honestly, I have no idea where to start. That’s why I haven’t been posting much, sharing new videos, or giving updates. I’ve been really stuck. 

Joy is definitely the last thing I’ve felt this month. I don’t want this post to be a dark, depressing post, but I think it is so important that if I share my highs with you guys then I need to share my lows. This month has been a low for me. 

I’m finally coming out of my initial self preservation hibernation mode. I would like to ask you guys for a favor, though. I could use some prayers. And if you follow/enjoy my music what would you like to see more of? More cover videos? More originals? More blog posts? More Facebook Lives? I desperately need to figure out where to invest my time and focus right now. 

2020 is off to a rough start for me and maybe it’s been that way for you too. I try to remind myself that new beginnings are always a little rocky. We’ve got this. 

Don’t worry, I don’t think I could ever give up on music. I’m still fighting on. I’m feeling a lot better than I was. I came home to NC for a week just to get some rest. I appreciate anyone who reads my blog. You guys caring about my life means more than you know. Thank you. 

After a month of crazy twists and turns, this song has continued to be stuck in my head. In a season where I’ve prayed a thousand prayers sometimes I just gotta sing some praise. I’ve felt a little overlooked by God lately. I’ve prayed for His direction and guidance, even if it doesn’t look how I want it to. I’ve surrendered so many things to Him, picked them back up, then surrendered them again. Every. Single. Day. It felt right to record a cover of this beautiful song at the end of a difficult month. I think God understands a frustrated, rebel heart like mine… and He loves me anyway. I hope this brings a little light to whatever season you’re walking through right now. 

February is a new month. Let’s make it a good one. I love you guys!

xxCarson

P.s. I still believe this will be a year of Joy. xx