2019 - My Restoration Year
It’s the last day of 2019. It’s the last day of the decade. Wow!
Photo by Matt Andrews Photography
New Years Eve is always a very nostalgic, melancholy time for me. It’s probably one of my least favorite holidays because I’m always sad to see time go by so fast and anxious to see what the new year holds. This NYE is more than saying goodbye to the past year, we’re saying goodbye to the whole decade! So, prepare… this is going to be a little long. After all, it’s summing up a big year for me and a beautiful decade…
This morning I was walking my dog in the really chilly, crisp TN air, and I was saying a little prayer of gratitude for all the ways God showed up for me in 2019. I had started the year physically sick, emotionally drained, and really lonely. Right before ringing in 2019, I heard people talking about having a word for the year. I had never done anything like that. I thought it sounded kind of fun to have something to hope for in the coming year, all summed up in a word. Almost like an affirmation. At the time I really needed a word to speak over myself.
I had prayed about it, asking God to show me a glimpse of what He wanted to do in 2019 - specifically for me. My anxiety screamed it would be another disappointing year (2018 was rough y’all). But then, I was reading my bible one day and I felt the word Restoration pop in my head. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s not a word I use/hear everyday. I thought it was so odd and random. Using the trusty google, I looked up the definition of Restoration/Restore.
res·to·ra·tion/ˌrestəˈrāSH(ə)n/noun: restorationthe action of returning something to a former owner, place, or condition.the processes of repairing.
Interesting. I brushed it off and continued to think about all the words that I could pick for 2019. Before I knew it, the word Restoration started popping up everywhere; in my bible study, in random posts on social media, on the radio. This word that I had never really seen used much was being thrown around like it was the most popular terminology. There was one specific incident that sealed the deal for me. I walked into my church the first Sunday of January and my Pastor announced that He felt our word for 2019 was… you guessed it, Restoration!
I don’t typically cry in front of people. I will swallow tears until I can get alone. But hearing him say restoration made my heart beat fast, goosebumps appear, and tears fill my eyes. I felt like God had spoken directly at me for the first time in my life. So I prayed silently, Okay God. Restoration it is. Whatever the heck that looks like. My Pastor did a sermon on Isaiah 55 (my favorite is the Message version. I strongly recommend you go read it!) and that chapter followed me around this year. It was very fitting.
It was comforting to know he was promising to return everything that I felt like I had lost the previous year. I had prayed He would restore things in my life. I had certain friends pop in my head while I was praying so I prayed restoration over their life as well.
Looking back, it’s really funny to me how I prayed for restoration and I thought I knew exactly how God would do it. Actually, I think I pretty much told him what I thought restoration should look like. I wanted Him to restore my health (some of you know I had some issues earlier this year), give me some deeper/more fulfilling friendships, send me a really amazing relationship with someone so I wouldn’t feel so lonely, and give me big success with my music (preferably in the form of some kind of deal - or tour - or opportunity). That’s a pretty tall order huh? I’m an idiot.
Now here I am, the last day of my restoration year, and I can see all the ways God didn’t give me the restoration I wanted. But, He gave me the restoration I needed.
Let’s start with my health. There was definitely restoring done with my health issues, but it wasn’t immediate and it wasn’t easy. It also opened my eyes to being more appreciative of my body and taking better care of it. I had to start eating healthier, I found my love of yoga, and I became more aware of the need to thank Him for each day I was able to enjoy life.
Then there was the whole “deeper/fulfilling friendships”. This one was a loaded ask. Ever hear the saying “Don’t ask God for patience because He will give you situations that test it”? Yeah…
He gave me a lot of different types of friendships this past year and they all taught me some BIG lessons. One being I don’t need a lot of good friends, I need a couple of great ones. Another lesson was I can be a friend to someone and I don’t necessarily have to consider them my friend. I had some friendships crash and burn this year. I learned the importance of setting boundaries, dealing with conflict lovingly, and learning when to walk away from people without guilt. The best lesson He gave me was that you only need one ultimate best friend and I’ve had her all along - Abbey Sikes. She’s been my best friend, partner in crime, person I tell everything to since we were born. I was so caught up in wishing I had that kind of friendship here in Nashville that I forgot how blessed I am to have one friendship like that in my whole life. Most people don’t ever find a friend like that. We may live 8 hours away from each other but knowing I have one friend that will always be there is the best thing I could ask for. God also reconnected me with a friend I made when I first moved to Nashville - Justin Love. We had lost touch over the last year and at the beginning of 2019 a mutual friend of ours put us in a writers round together. Through a series of rounds, hilarious situations (one being me running into an ex boyfriend and Justin helping me not have a panic attack), and songs written, I have a best friend in Nashville. I’ve made some other really amazing friends along the way but it took some hard weeding out of the old ones to make the space for them.
Now for the juicy prayer - a really amazing relationship. Well, I’m still single going into 2020, so that tells you what I know. HA! Last January, God opened the door to some closure with a past relationship. At the time it was painful and didn’t make any sense, but now I can see that He put me in that situation to help me move on. After that, God showed me, through a very short lived relationship, that I’m better off being alone than being with the wrong person. Dating just to date is not my style. I learned that wishing I had someone to take care of me sometimes is okay, but I’m also strong enough to take care of myself in this season of being single. I learned to really love being alone and I’m a lot happier because of it too.
My prayer of restoration with my music didn’t come in the form of a big, life changing opportunity. I think it came in quiet reminders of why I do music. A little part of my heart was restored to the same wide eyed, anything is possible, it’s going to happen, optimism I had at the beginning of this decade. I think over time, and with getting older, we all get a little jaded. Disappointment after disappointment can make us cynical. I was starting to feel really hardened with music. The business can be a jerk. But God gave me my experience at Pilgrimage (see blog post) and it made me feel seen and special. He gave me the opportunity to make a music video (coming VERY soon!) from literally zero resources. He gave me songs that slowly restored my confidence in myself. It wasn’t a flashy restoration but a very personal, whispered restoration.
Finding my joy on stage. Photo by Brian Viebranz.
Nothing about 2019 was easy. I think we hear the word restoration and think that God’s going to give us every desire of our heart and more. I know I sure thought that. But now I see that restoration is really the hard work of refinement. It’s building a foundation of “needs” for God to answer some of those “wants”. I did a lot of work on myself this year. I had my eyes opened to a lot of things about my personality and temperament that I’m trying really hard to improve. Restoration isn’t always blessings and fun. It’s tears, breaking so you can be mended in a better way, and a serious lesson in trust.
All that to say, I still have a long way to go. I complained a lot this year haha. 2019 wasn’t anything I wanted but everything I needed.
2020 - the start of a new decade. What comes after a restoration year? I had been asking God that question since Thanksgiving. He ever so gently told me. Remember Isaiah 55 that I mentioned earlier? As I was reading about all the work (or restoration) God was promising to do, this part stuck out to me -
“So you’ll go out in joy, you’ll be led into a whole and complete life. The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause. No more thistles, but giant sequoias, no more thornbushes, but stately pines— Monuments to me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God.”
Joy. 2020, your promise is joy and I can’t wait to see what that looks like.
(I’m definitely not going to tell God what I think it should look like. Everything mentioned above proves I am stupid and should never be in charge of how things should pan out haha.)
Photo by Meg Lens Photography
I pray 2020 holds joy for all of you. Thank you for supporting me for a whole decade. Here’s to a new one.
If this inspired you to find a word to represent your year, I would love to hear what it is. Let me know!
Sending love your way this New Year…
xx Carson
P.s. I’m thinking of doing a blog dedicated to highlights of this past decade (there were too many for this extremely long post). What do you guys think?