Hi From Quarantine!
Looking back now, my post about January feels a little too on the nose…
Caroline misses her friends.
How are you doing? We are living in a crazy time right now. Thanks to COVID-19, Nashville has pretty much shut down, with the exception of essential workers, adding to the blow from the devastating tornados. I left TN a little over two weeks ago because I didn’t want to be stuck in my little one bedroom apartment alone. Being home with my parents has definitely helped soothe my anxiety… well, that and getting to live in the country again and “just be” for however long this takes.
Before all of this started, I already felt like I was in a waiting season. Waiting for God to tell me what to do about a job. Waiting for God to open some doors in Nashville. Waiting for God to help me feel a little more secure in my life and less easily kicked down by circumstances. Waiting for God to give me some sort of direction with what His will for me really is. Always waiting.
Funny enough, once I came home and realized everyone, everywhere had to stay at home and wait out this virus, I felt relieved. I don’t want to be insensitive to people who have lost their jobs, loved ones, or health over this virus. I know it’s been devastating and there are still some long term consequences that could happen. I still get waves of fear thinking about what the future will look like for our nation and the impact it will have on not only my own life, but so many others. All that being said, I felt relieved at the aspect we are all now in this waiting season together (in our self-isolation haha). I could come home to NC without feeling guilty about missing out on opportunities in Nashville because there were no opportunities. I could spend time with my family without feeling like I had to choose between working on music or being with them. I could be present in every moment without having to worry about the future because right now all of it is out of my control. That realization is absolutely freeing!
The truth in all of this is I never really had control over anything, even before the quarantine began. I thought I had control over certain things. I worked as hard as I could, brainstormed all the different things I could do in this season of waiting, sent out countless emails about booking shows, and I stressed myself out to high heaven trying to plan for the future while praying God, it’s in your hands. HA! I had no idea he was about to convict me big time.
One of my favorite bible verses is,
“Be still and know that I am God.” - Psalm 46:10
“Be still" comes from a Hebrew word that means to “let go”. I read that a long time ago in a devotional and I always try to remember God’s command to let go when things get overwhelming. My problem is I tend to let go and then pick it right back up when He takes too long to do something with it. Right now, I can’t really pick it back up because there’s nothing to pick up. I can’t send out booking emails because no one really knows what the next few months will look like. I can’t look for a job because right now a lot of jobs have been put on hold. I can’t go anywhere and I can’t really do anything about my circumstances. He’s quite literally making me be still and let go. He’s making me wake up every morning and learn to enjoy the present moment instead of always thinking about what’s next.
With music it’s always about what’s next. Write a song. Okay, what’s next? Record and release a song. Next? Post a music video. Next?! Play a great show. NEXT?! I’m sure it can be the same for other people with different careers but music is so intertwined with who I am that it’s hard to leave it “at the office”. Despite all of the challenges of having to “be still and let go”, I’m now waking up every morning taking it slow. I read my bible for however long I feel, I go for a walk, I workout (if I’m not snacking because lets be real haha!), and I take the time to sit with my family and play cards. When I’m not so caught up in the next thing it makes the present moment that much sweeter.
I wanted to share this because as hard as it’s been having to cancel shows, watch friends lose their jobs, feel the pain of so many people worrying about where their next paycheck will come from, see the news with it’s never ending dooms day headlines, and having to put everything on hold, there is a silver lining to this new found time we have. My Pastor said something so profound last Sunday - Waiting is never wasted, it just depends on who and what you’re waiting for.
I don’t know what you’re dealing with in your time of quarantine (loneliness, anxiety, anger, frustration, fear) but I want you to know it’s okay to grieve whatever you’ve lost throughout this experience. It’s okay to hurt over the messed up plans and schedules. But, I firmly believe God is doing something in this waiting season in my life and yours. Take some time today to just be still and let go, whatever that looks like for you.
I hope you all stay safe, healthy, and happy. If there is anything I can pray about for you please feel free to message me.
I love you guys.
xx Carson